当他们在 1996 年推出“通用”串行总线时，伙计，他们不是在开玩笑。你可以把这么多东西塞进插座，有人用有史以来最不恰当的“I/O 错误”电死自己只是时间问题。地狱(Hell)，可能已经有一个论坛。为了帮助您忘记那个可怕的图像，请查看以下内容：
1. 你的车
早(Way)在 2005 年，一辆马自达就从字面上理解了记忆“钥匙”这个短语，制造了一辆(Mazda)由记忆棒触发(triggered by a memory stick)点火的概念车 。汽车还可以将行车路线输入导航计算机，甚至可以通过多功能启动开关将MP3加载到收音机中。(MP3s)不幸的是，自从Mazda Sassou(Mazda Sassou)在法兰克福车展上展示(Frankfurt Motor Show –)以来，这个概念就再也没有出现过——也许马自达(Mazda)意识到让人们在坐在真正的汽车方向盘前想到他们的 PC（和他们的游戏）并不是一件好事主意。
2. USB护眼器
在显然是从恐怖电影中逃脱的一项创新中，您现在可以 通过将眼球连接到 PC 来加热眼球。(heat your eyeballs)听着(Listen)，日本(Japan)，如果你希望人们将电极贴在眼睛上，最好是为了呈现竞争激烈的啦啦队蹦床锦标赛(Cheerleading Trampoline Championships)的 3D 图像。那张照片中的人似乎看到了什么。(Which)
更糟糕的是，电死自己眼球的能力被宣传为“放松”，从而证明无尽并不是日本人在业余时间所能做的最糟糕的事情。
3. USB 钢管舞者
有人指出纽伦堡(Nuremburg)集会是人类最糟糕的言论。其他人则滥用宗教文本来为仇恨和战争辩护。但是，不，显示人性中绝对最坏的词在这个网站上，它告诉我们 USB Pole Dancer 回归“大众需求”。
一个 60 美元的旋转芭比娃娃应大众需求而回归(BY POPULAR)！这东西存在，然后停止了，然后有足够多的人要求他们开始制作更多。我们只能想象工厂老板哭了，拿了钱，花每一分钱教育他的孩子进入太空计划，因为这里的这个星球被搞砸了。
4.蒸汽朋克鼠标
并非您可以插入计算机的所有东西都是对品味和风格的冒犯。一个只知道“Unklian”的人，我们认为它是“非常酷的家伙”的代名词，他用木头和黄铜制成的 蒸汽朋克鼠标(steampunk mouse) 确实有效。它是蒸汽处理器的终极配件（我们听说你也可以在这些东西上运行磁通电容器），如果你认为建造需要投入，想象一下使用它的感觉。蒸汽(Steam)技术可能具有许多令人惊叹的机械性能，但人体工程学不是其中之一。
5.最小的闪存驱动器
ATP Electronics在几年前 就认为他们已经达到了微型USB驱动器的极限，制造了一个(USB)1GB(1GB so tiny)的微型 USB 驱动器 ，如果它再小一点，它就会从插座中掉出来。无疑(Doubtless)会在对这种事情感到兴奋的那种客户中引发令人尴尬的闪回。
但是，如果计算机技术人员擅长一件事，那就是将信封推到没有任何邮政服务、理智或任何理由存在的地方：向前迈出 KingMax Super Stick。Super Stick通过实现“见鬼，他们不需要整个USB端口”打破了尺寸障碍。” 心理(” Psychiatric)咨询后意识到你的一生的知识可以存储一个比你的指甲还小的设备不包括在内。
6. USB保龄球
在大小、感觉和理智光谱的另一端是 USB 保龄球驱动器(USB Bowling Ball drive)。它重 7 公斤，这意味着要与Super Stick保持比例，它必须存储比宇宙大小的图书馆更多的数据。当您将它连接到计算机时，它会在跌落到您的脚趾之前将您的主板分成两半。大(Big)而安全！
7. 通用瑞士军刀
你知道它必须发生——这把大红刀拥有你需要的一切，还有一些你不需要的奇怪的东西，已经 电子升级(upgraded electronically) ，包括一个 2 GB 的记忆棒。它专为现代办公室幸存者而设计，还包括一个激光笔、一支圆珠笔和几个切割刀片。显然(Clearly)，瑞士军队(Army)的董事会会议比我们的更令人兴奋。
但是，如果您看不到将由 50% 切削刃组成的物体通过隐藏在现代桌面后面的网络意大利面条线圈卡住的问题，然后将其四处摆动以找到未使用的插座，那么我们建议您阅读其余部分在你破坏你的电脑之前快速阅读这篇文章。
8. USB网络服务器
它正如标题所说的那样——一个可以 从USB端口(USB)启动网络服务系统(launch a web-serving system)的微型记忆棒，而你没有在电影中看到它使用的唯一原因是即使好莱坞(Hollywood)也不认为计算机可以做到这一点. 究竟为什么您需要设置一个只有 60 秒警告且没有重型设备的站点可供全世界查看，目前尚不清楚，但可能涉及：
a) 逃离美国唱片工业协会
b) 从历史悠久的公共建筑中运营一个游击色情网站
c) 将无聊的访问受限的“礼貌计算机”转变为共享太空堡垒卡拉狄加(Battlestar Galactica)剧集的全球网络。
不管是哪一种，坚持下去！
9. 布鲁斯特的百万(Millions)（千字节）
如果USB 服务器(USB Server)对您来说有点过于“实用”，那么请看！
令人信服的证据表明，为了公共利益，应该没收一些人的钱。内存(Memory)制造商White Lake制造了一个价值 3.5 万美元的 黄金和钻石内存钥匙(gold and diamond memory key)，如果有人发现用价值四位数的珠宝涂上现存最易丢失的电子产品有问题，White Lake肯定没有雇用他们。WL 设计团队(WL Design Team)的其他入学要求包括绝对缺乏品味，无法厌恶挥霍浪费，以及智商低于您的税率。
别介意你可以花更少的钱让一群人携带一张 3.5 英寸的软盘。
10. USB 仓鼠轮
如果你的小隔间和键盘不能让你觉得自己像一只无意义的轮子里的动物，那就用一只 USB 仓鼠 (USB hamster )来嘲笑你无意义的存在的每一秒——通过你自己徒劳的努力付出代价并提供动力！仓鼠与你的键盘相连，你在键盘上敲打的速度越快，它跑得越快，这是卡夫卡(Kafka)在苦艾酒度过了一个特别令人沮丧的夜晚后发明的东西。
更糟糕的是，该网站将该商品列为“已售罄”。人们正在购买这些，如果你需要花一点时间对这个物种失去信心，我们理解。任何可以花 50 美元证明自己一文不值的人都不应该拥有一个。他们应该有某种USB皮带，以将他们拴在办公桌上，并远离真正的人类。
11. 激光制导火箭发射器
你知道终结者(Terminators)是怎么开始的吗？就是因为这样的事情。“嘿(Hey)伙计们，我们来造一个 导弹发射器(missile launcher)吧！然后连接电脑！然后用激光瞄准系统武装它！然后把它放在一个普通的平民办公室里，在那里它会被训练向肉人射击！” 继续添加更多功能是一种令人敬畏但目光短浅的冲动，无论它们在原始计划下是否有意义。在这种情况下，最初的计划是“让我们为办公室制作一个有趣且轻松的玩具，不能用来让人们失明！” 尽管如此，我们还是喜欢它……
12.芭比USB驱动器
你想给孩子留下一辈子的伤疤吗？在办公室里看起来(Look)像个令人毛骨悚然的变态？或者只是认为大卫林奇(David Lynch)没有尽可能多地影响您的日常计算任务？无论是哪一个，您都会想要这些 芭比 USB 驱动器(Barbie USB drives)之一 ——并且由于资本主义的奇迹，您可以获得您想要的，而不是您需要的（治疗，以及某种国家资助的进修课程，例如“可怕的斩首”——它是实际上是一件坏事”）
13. 无烟烟灰缸
在我们见过的最乐观的广告示例之一中， 该网站(this site) 声称您的USB烟灰缸将“让秘密吸烟更容易(Make Secret Smoking Easier)！” 因为没有什么比配备闪烁LED(LEDs)的大型呜呜风扇更能说明秘密了，它连接到您的计算机并散发着浓烟。他们说在办公室周围会很棒，如果你买一个然后制作你需要在回到 1950 年之后插入它的适配器，这在技术上是正确的，这是你最后一次被允许在办公室吸烟。但我们是否可以建议带回一份 Grey 的体育年鉴(Sports Almanac)——毕竟，可能发生的最坏情况是什么？
14. USB 水族箱
你(Are)容易被模糊的移动物体迷住吗？你有没有钱？那么恭喜你，你要么是有信用卡的猫，要么是 USB Mini Aquarium的目标市场。这个设备提出了一个难题——设计师如何在没有听说过“屏幕保护程序”的情况下构建和销售明确打算连接到计算机的产品。这就像试图销售一个由 iPod 连接驱动的发条录音机——有点令人喜爱的迟钝，但比可爱更迟钝。如果您认识有其中一种情况的人，政府批准的程序是慢慢后退，不要使用任何可能使他们感到困惑和愤怒的大词。
15.数字锁定USB驱动器
越来越多的人
a) 意识到重要数据的安全性
b) 在他们的数据很重要的残酷幻想下
除非您为社会保障局(Social Security)工作或拥有信用卡信息的机构工作，否则普通网络骗子对您的家庭照片目录的兴趣与您强迫查看它们的其他所有人一样多。对于那个很抱歉。利用这个错位的自我是名称错误的“摩尔斯电码闪存驱动器(Morse Code flash drive)”，它没有一点点或破折号。它只是一个数字键盘，可以防止您的驱动器被读取，直到输入正确的代码 - 尽管真正的骗子绕过这个麻烦的措施需要多长时间可能以秒为单位来衡量。如果他被蒙上眼睛。并且喝醉了。
如果您想要真正的安全，我们建议您在舌下携带KingMax超级棒，使用(KingMax)USB保龄球（绝对不会被扒窃！），或者依靠USB 芭比娃娃(USB Barbie)的纯粹恐怖来阻止小偷。
16.真正的拇指驱动器
拇指驱动器(thumb drive)使其 成为官方：日本(Japan) 有某种敢于在现有的每一个名词中构建一个USB记忆棒。(USB)我们不能说USB拇指很划算：幽默值大约持续一秒钟（如果您是后期的老友记(Friends)粉丝，可能会持续一小时），而个人USB驱动器每天都在使用。除非你太喜欢Saw电影，否则我们看不到你这么喜欢。
17. 花盆音箱
我们告诉过你有一个胆量。这是日本电脑垃圾的真正巅峰——完全没有意义，整个产品页面上只有三个英文单词，其中一个是错误的。我们假设他们正在那里寻找“罐子”，尽管假设任何关于制造电气化假花噪音制造器的人的思维过程都是一个冒险的提议。
愚蠢的 假花(fake flower) 甚至不会随着我们的音乐或任何东西跳舞。对不起(Sorry)，日本(Japan)，但我们有标准来处理我们在这个国家对资源、金钱和技术的可怕浪费！
18.幽灵雷达
第 1 步：找到一个由极易上当的人组成的市场部门
第 2 步：拿走他们的钱
一旦有人说服自己不死灵在房间里无形地飞来飞去，看着他们打字，让他们相信 50 美分的 LED(fifty cents of LEDs) 与他们一致就很容易令人尴尬。我们想更加努力地模拟这个设备，但我们真的很沮丧，我们没有首先想到它。
19. 迷你冰箱
您是否曾经抱怨过实际上必须从电脑走到冰箱才能获得更多百万卡路里的糖水？如果是这样，我们不应该让您更容易避免锻炼，因为您已经有 50% 的机会是球形的。但是我们有报告小工具的职责，该死，我们不会让任何像你即将心脏病发作这样无关紧要的事情妨碍我们！
Brando 迷你冰箱(Brando mini fridge) 可以随时为您保持凉爽。 当熔(Molten Core)火之心的事情升温时，不要担心AFKing或让你的团队没有缓冲——你的电脑会准备好冷点心。（警告：USB 厕所还不可用，所以使用这个冰箱只能保证你最终必须起床）
20. USB 防毒面具
你可能知道有些人没有电脑就活不下去，但我们怀疑他们中的任何人都把空气供应连接到了该死的东西上。这款 USB 供电的抗花粉面罩(USB-powered anti-pollen mask) 专为过敏季节而设计 - 您可能会从类似的非电动面罩中认出它，这些面罩不会像机器的某种肉质宠物一样将您拴在桌面上。该系统甚至有一个节流阀，当您需要在您的计算机上过度呼吸时。只要(Just)记住之后清除浏览器历史记录即可。
对于为什么将氧气供应委托给机器是一个坏主意的进修课程，我们建议观看 2001 或只是思考几秒钟。
20 Things You Didn’t Know You Could Stick In Your USB Socket
When they introduced the “Universal” Serial Bus in 1996, mаn, they weren’t kidding. You can stick so many things into the socket it’s only a matter of time before somebody electrocutes himѕelf with the most erotically inappropriate “I/O Error” of all time. Hell, there’s probably already a forυm for that. To help you forget that horrific image, have a look at these instead:
1. Your Car
Way back in 2005, a Mazda took the phrase memory “key” literally, building a concept car whose ignition was triggered by a memory stick. The car could also suck driving directions into the navigation computer and even load the radio with MP3s from the versatile starter switch. Unfortunately the concept hasn’t been seen since the Mazda Sassou was shown at the Frankfurt Motor Show – perhaps Mazda realised that making people think of their PC (and their games) before sitting behind the wheel of a real car wasn’t such a good idea.
2. USB Eye Warmer
In an innovation that apparently escaped from a horror movie, you can now heat your eyeballs by connecting them to your PC. Listen, Japan, if you expect people to stick electrodes over their eyes it had better be in order to render 3D images of the competitive Cheerleading Trampoline Championships. Which is what the guy in that photo seems to be seeing.
Worse, the ability to electrocute your own eyeballs is advertised as “relaxing”, thereby proving that hentai isn’t the worst thing Japanese people can do with their spare time.
3. USB Pole Dancer
Some point to the Nuremburg rallies as the worst use of words by mankind. Others to the misuse of religious texts to justify hatred and war. But no, the words that show the absolute worst in human nature are on this website, where it tells us that the USB Pole Dancer is back “By Popular Demand”.
A sixty dollar gyrating barbie is back BY POPULAR DEMAND! This thing existed, then stopped, then enough people requested them for them to start making more. We can only imagine that the factory owner wept, took the money, and is spending every cent educating his children to get into the space program because this planet right here is fucked.
4. Steampunk Mouse
Not everything you can plug into your computer is an offense against taste and style. A man know only as “Unklian”, which we presume is l33t speak for “awesomely cool guy” crafted a wood and brass steampunk mouse that actually works. It’s the ultimate accessory for a steam-processor (we hear you can run flux capacitors on the stuff too), and if you think the construction takes dedication, imagine what it’s like to use it. Steam technology may have had many awesome mechanical properties, but ergonomy wasn’t one of them.
5. The Littlest Flash Drive
ATP Electronics thought they’d reached the ultimate point of in tiny USB drives years ago, building a 1GB so tiny that if it got any smaller it would fall out of the socket. Doubtless triggering embarrassing flashbacks in the kind of customer who gets excited about this kind of thing.
But if there’s one thing computer technologists excel at, it’s pushing the envelope way past where there’s any postal service, sanity or any reason to be there: step forward the KingMax Super Stick. The Super Stick broke the size barrier by realising “Hell, they don’t need the whole USB port.” Psychiatric counselling after the realisation that your entire life’s knowledge can be stored an a device smaller than your fingernail not included.
6. The USB Bowling Ball
At the opposite end of the size, sense and sanity spectra is the USB Bowling Ball drive. It weighs seven kilograms, meaning that to stay proportional with the Super Stick it would have to store more data than a library the size of the universe. And the instant you connect it to your computer it will break your motherboard in half before falling on your toe. Big AND secure!
7. Universal Swiss Army Knife
You knew it had to happen – the big red knife that has everything you need, and several odd looking things you don’t, has upgraded electronically to include a 2 GB memory stick. Tuned for the modern office survivor, it also includes a laser pointer, a ballpoint pen and several cutting blades. Clearly, board meetings in the Swiss Army are significantly more exciting than ours.
But if you can’t see the problem with jamming an object composed of 50% cutting edges through the coils of cyber-spaghetti that lurk behind a modern desktop, then wiggling it around to find an untaken socket, then we recommend you read the rest of this article quickly before you break your computer.
8. USB Web Server
It does exactly what the title says – a tiny memory stick which can launch a web-serving system from a USB port, and the only reason you haven’t seen this used in the movies is even Hollywood doesn’t think computers can do that. Exactly why you need to set up a site viewable by the world with only sixty seconds warning and no heavy equipment is unclear, but could involve:
a) Being on the run from the RIAA
b) Running a guerilla porn site from historic public buildings
c) Turning boring access-limited “courtesy computers” into a global network sharing Battlestar Galactica episodes.
Whichever it is, keep it up!
9. Brewster’s Millions (of kilobytes)
If the USB Server is a little too “actually practical” for you, then behold!
Compelling evidence that money should just be confiscated from some people for the public good. Memory manufacturer White Lake have built a three and a half thousand dollar gold and diamond memory key, and if anybody sees a problem with coating the single most losable piece of electronics in existence with four-figures worth of jewelry, White Lake sure didn’t hire them. Other entrance requirements for the WL Design Team include an absolute lack of taste, an inability to be disgusted with profligate waste, and an IQ lower than your tax rate.
Never mind the fact that you could pay a procession of people to carry a 3.5″ floppy each for less.
10. USB Hamster Wheel
If your cubicle and keyboard don’t make you feel enough like an animal in a pointless wheel, raise the parallel to horrifying proportions with a USB hamster mocking every second of your pointless existence – paid for and powered by your own fruitless efforts! The hamster is connected to your keyboard, runs faster the quicker you flail at the keyboard, and is the sort of thing Kafka would invent after a particularly depressing night on the absinthe.
Even worse, the site lists the item as “sold out”. People are buying these, and if you need to take a minute to lose faith in the species, we understand. Anyone who can spend fifty dollars on this testament to their own worthlessness shouldn’t have one. They should have some kind of USB leash to keep them tethered to their desk and out of the way of the real humans.
11. Laser Guided Rocket Launcher
You know how the Terminators got started? It’s because of stuff like this. “Hey guys, let’s build a missile launcher! Then connect it to a computer! Then arm it with a laser targeting system! Then put it in a regular civilian office where it’ll be trained to shoot at fleshy humans!” It’s the awesome but short-sighted urge to keep adding more features, whether they make any sense under the original plan or not. In this case, the original plan being “Let’s build a fun and light hearted toy for the office that CAN”T be used to blind people!” We love it nevertheless…
12. Barbie USB Drive
Do you want to permanently scar children for life? Look like a creepy pervert in the office? Or maybe just think David Lynch hasn’t affected your daily computing tasks as much as he could have? Whichever it is you’ll want one of these Barbie USB drives – and thanks to the miracles of capitalism you can get what you want instead of what you need (therapy, and some kind of state-sponsored refresher course like “Horrific Decapitation – it’s actually a BAD thing”)
13. Smokeless Ashtray
In one of the most optimistic examples of advertising we’ve ever seen, this site claims that your USB ashtray will “Make Secret Smoking Easier!” Because nothing says secrecy than a large whining fan armed with blinking LEDs hooked up to your computer and stinking of smoke. They say it’ll be great around the office, which is technically true if you buy one and then make the adapters you’ll need to plug it in after returning to 1950, the last time you were actually allowed to smoke in an office. But may we suggest bringing back a copy of Grey’s Sports Almanac instead – after all, what’s the worst that could happen?
14. USB Aquarium
Are you easily entranced by vaguely moving objects? Do you have money? Then congratulations, you’re either a cat with a credit card or the target market for the USB Mini Aquarium. This device poses a puzzle – how could the designers build and market a product explicitly intended to be connected to a computer without ever hearing of “screensavers”. It’s like trying to sell a clockwork phonogram powered by an iPod connection – sort of endearingly retarded, but more retarded than endearing. Should you know anyone with one of these, government-approved procedure is to back away slowly without using any big words which may drive them to confusion and rage.
15. Number Locked USB Drive
More and more people are
a) aware of the need for security for important data
b) under the cruel illusion that their data is important
Unless you work for Social Security or something with credit card information, the average cyber-crook has about as much interest in your directory of family photos as, well, everyone else you force to look at them. Sorry about that. Capitalizing on this misplaced ego is the wildly misnamed “Morse Code flash drive“, which doesn’t have a drip of dots or dashes. It’s just a numeric keypad which prevents your drive from being read until the correct code is entered – though how long it would take a real crook to bypass this hassle-only measure could likely be measured in seconds. If he was blindfolded. And drunk.
If you want real security, we recommend carrying around the KingMax super stick under your tongue, using the USB bowling ball (utterly unpickpocketable!), or relying on the sheer horror of the USB Barbie to deter thieves.
16. The Real Thumb Drive
The thumb drive makes it official: there is some kind of dare in Japan to build a USB stick into every singe noun in existence. We can’t say the USB thumb is a good deal: the humor value lasts approximately one second (maybe one hour if you’re a later-season Friends fan), while a personal USB drive is used daily. Unless you’re way, way too into the Saw movies we can’t see you enjoying this that much.
17. Flower Pot Speakers
We told you there was a dare. This is a true pinnacle of Japanese computer crappery – utterly pointless, only three words of english on the entire product page, and one of them is wrong. We’re assuming they were going for “pot” there, though assuming anything about the thought processes of people who’ll build electrified fake-flower noisemakers is a risky proposition.
The stupid fake flower doesn’t even dance annoyingly to our music or anything. Sorry, Japan, but we have STANDARDS for our horrific wastes of resources, money and technology in this country!
18. Ghost Radar
Step 1: Find a market sector of extremely gullible people
Step 2: Take their money
Once somebody has convinced themselves that undead spirits are flitting invisibly through the room and watching them type, getting them to believe fifty cents of LEDs agrees with them is embarrassingly easy. We’d like to mock this device harder, but we’re genuinely upset we didn’t think of it first.
19. Mini Fridge
Have you ever complained about actually having to walk from your computer to the fridge to get more million calorie sugar water? If so we shouldn’t be making it easier for you to avoid exercise as there’s a fifty per cent chance you’re spherical already. But we’ve got gadget-reporting duty to do, dammit, and we won’t let anything as inconsequential as your imminent heart attack get in our way!
The Brando mini fridge will keep one can cool for you at all times. When things are heating up in Molten Core, don’t worry about AFKing or leaving your group unbuffed – your computer will have cold refreshment ready. (WARNING: USB toilets are not yet possible, so using this fridge only guarantees you’ll have to get up eventually)
20. USB Air Mask
You might know some people who couldn’t live without their computer, but we doubt any of them have connected the air supply to the damn things. This USB-powered anti-pollen mask is designed for the allergy season – you might recognise it from similar, non-electrical masks that don’t keep you leashed to your desktop like some kind of fleshy pet of the machines. The system even has a throttle, for when you need to breathe extra-heavily at your computer. Just remember to clear the browser history afterwards.
For a refresher course on why entrusting your oxygen supply to a machine is a bad idea, we recommend watching 2001 or just thinking for a couple of seconds.
