杰克汤普森被取消资格！
随着杰克汤普森最近被永久取消律师资格，法律体系已经失去了自法官杂耍(Judge Juggles) 小丑(The Clown) 在充满奶油冻的法庭淹死以来最伟大的拥护者。虽然他新近的非职业身份让他有机会参加 2009 年的Dumbass 奥运会(Olympics)，但我们通过回顾汤普森(Thompson)的十个伟大时刻来纪念他的职业生涯。
1. 与珍妮特雷诺作战
早在接手Take-Two和Rockstar之前，John Bruce “Jack” Thompson 就立志成为戴德(Dade)县的州检察官。他的对手是当时的州检察官珍妮特·雷诺(Janet Reno)，在一场确定谁最适合证明那些被指控犯有谋杀、强奸和绑架罪的人有罪的竞赛中，他选择了“称她为女同性恋者”的策略。
不，抱歉，“在教室里像 9 岁男孩一样称呼她为女同性恋者”，因为他递给她一张纸条，要求她勾选一个方框，表明她是异性恋/双性恋/同性恋。我们假设他在竞选活动中对任何相当于老师的行为都咯咯地笑着吐痰。她将一只手放在他的肩膀上，解释说她只喜欢有男子气概的男人，这就是为什么她不喜欢他。
用电子游戏的话来说，他非常讨厌PWN3D。他的回应？提交一份警方报告，声称她对他的身体的触摸构成了殴打，或者换句话说，要求这些警察需要保护他免受一个 50 岁女人的死亡之握。(Death Grip)Janet Reno继续监督Unabomber、Timothy McVeigh和世界贸易中心(World Trade Center)轰炸机的定罪。杰克(Jack)继续与提供家庭娱乐的人打架。
2.说唱蝙蝠侠
1990 年， Jacky，我们现在称他为“Jack”，对于一个害怕半个多世纪的女人功夫的人来说，这个名字完全太男子气概了，他决定(Kung Fu)Rap是他的新敌人。在他反对 2Live Crew 的“As Nasty As They Wanna Be”的竞选活动中，他声称自己是布鲁斯韦恩(Bruce Wayne)，一个与说唱音乐(Rap Music)的邪恶作斗争的蝙蝠侠(Batman)。不仅仅是口头上：他戴着蝙蝠手表(Bat-watch)，给人们邮寄他的驾驶执照副本和蝙蝠侠的照片(Batman)编辑。如果这听起来像是一个调整良好的法律专业人士的行为，请举手（不会举手，因为任何试图举手的人都会发现它被某种“夹克”不方便地“限制”）。
请注意，这是在 1990 年，那一年佛罗里达州(Florida)的精神病学评估证明他神志清醒。表明佛罗里达州(Florida)需要认真重新评估其心理健康标准近 20 年，任何去过那里的人都会同意。不幸的是，他从来没有效仿蝙蝠侠(Batman)，从玻璃天窗跳进一个满是说唱歌手的仓库，因为老实说，这样做的结果会很有趣。
3. 希思高中案例
1997 年，Jackqueline向(Jackqueline)Doom、MechWarrior、其他几款游戏、好莱坞(Hollywood)大部分地区以及带有色情内容的互联网(Internet)部分的制造商提起诉讼。他代表更投机取巧的受害者家属要求赔偿 3300 万美元，尽管“被告”的数量之多意味着他们每人可以支付 20 美分并可能支付账单，但该案被驳回，因为它甚至提出了一个法律上可识别的宣称。法律界最接近“说什么？”的方式。带着厌恶的表情。
他的论点是Doom是一个极其准确的军事风格谋杀模拟器，这意味着要么他实际上没有看到Doom ，要么美国陆军(US Army)严重低估了目前被列为战区的恶魔出没的火星基地的数量。
4.弗吉尼亚州哥伦拜恩，NIU
杰基(Jacki)重新回到了聚光灯下，独自发明了“大屠杀追逐”的经典概念，以宠物动物园里一头好色犀牛的机智和尊重，对弗吉尼亚理工大学的枪击事件进行权衡。(Virginia Tech)和大约相同水平的连贯性。他的长篇大论比一个拿着水晶球的盲人侏儒略逊一筹，娱乐性也少得多。在北伊利诺伊枪击事件中，Jackisha(Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha)被介绍为“校园枪击专家(Campus Shooting Expert)”——事实上，他和Fox都没有看到任何问题，这比我们更能说明他们。
5. Penny Arcade 捐赠
Jackette向任何制作了代表(Jackette)Take-Two老板Paul Eibeler被谋杀的游戏的人选择的慈善机构提供了一万美元。当他接受这个提议时，他狡猾地透露，整个“向慈善机构捐款”的事情都是讽刺。一种革命性的新讽刺形式，不是字典或其他英语(English)世界所共有的讽刺定义，而是由Jackisha定义为“在有需要的人面前晃来晃去，并在最后一刻将其甩掉。此外，以令人难以置信的公开方式撒谎和逃避事情。”
网络漫画Penny Arcade(Penny Arcade) 的制作者代表他将这笔钱捐给了(donated the money)儿童游戏(Play)慈善机构，以帮助生病的儿童。有很多方法可以解释人们花费五位数来弥补你的坏账：羞耻、内疚、退出公共生活以在偏远的修道院赎罪。杰克(Jack)选择 报警(call the police)。理由是两个人把自己的钱捐给了慈善机构。此外，此案的成功机会与基于蛋奶酥的穿甲子弹一样多，这表明杰克敏锐的法律敏锐性以及他当然不会利用自由国家的正当程序作为俱乐部来威胁人们的方式。
6. 假辩论中的鸡
汤普森(Thompson)在 2008 年继续保持他“在公共场合撒谎的懦夫”的连续性，他挑战了，不，敢于挑战Newsgroper的(Newsgroper)Simula-Samuel L Jackson进行辩论。当他接受这个提议时，好吧，猜猜发生了什么(guess what happened)。
我们可以从真正的塞缪尔·杰克逊（ Samuel L Jackson ）的飞行中理解跑步。这是唯一明智的选择——根据最后的统计，他是一名叛逆的FBI SHIELD特工Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer，按照自己的规则行事，最重要的是，他是Samuel Goddamn Jackson。但是一个假杰克逊(Jackson)？Jacki ，这里有一个提示，因为很明显你不了解这些技术内容：在网上假装强硬的人恰恰相反。假装是Sam L的人很可能是您在骨质疏松症医院的白化病房外发现的最白、最苍白、最无害的非 mofo。
7. NIMF 让他迷路
当国家(National Institute)媒体(Media)和家庭(Family)研究所宣布不是他，是他们 时，疯狂计(Crazy-ometer)上的警告警报器真的很响，如果他能像疯子一样去其他地方(somewhere else)尖叫和扔屎，那会是超级的。NIMF是那些发明了愚蠢的非单词“killographic”并指责电子游戏不仅促进谋杀而且还彻底食人的人，他们看着杰克汤普森(Jack Thompson)说：“该死，但那家伙疯了”。
8.佛罗里达(Florida)酒吧：要么闭嘴，要么闭嘴。事实上，忍受并(AND)闭嘴
2008 年是佛罗里达酒吧(Florida Bar)终于受够了杰克(Jack)嘲笑他们整个生计的一年——距离他们第一次指责他精神错乱仅 18 年，所以你可以看到阳光之州(Sunshine State)的司法闪电般的速度。他被命令参加取消律师资格的审判，该审判可能会禁止他从事法律行业五年。为了增加“我们也可以提起额外诉讼”对职业伤害的侮辱，他们提交了一份表演理由(show cause) 令，规定他必须合法地证明他没有将法律制度用作自己的个人肥皂盒和威胁棒(Threatening-Stick). 在这(Which)一点上这将是非常棘手的。
他们还裁定，杰克(Jack)提出的任何进一步的法律诉讼都必须由佛罗里达律师协会(Florida Bar)的另一名成员共同签署，或者换句话说，他们的字面意思是“除非有负责任的成年人监督，否则你不得玩弄我们的法律制度。” 当被告知他现在在法律上被视为未成年人时，他的反应是立即提出上诉。没有签名。
9. 走出自己的听力
当然，杰克(Jack)不会满足于取消资格。凭借他的行为，他成功地将案件提升为“加强取消资格”，禁止他在整整十年内从事法律工作，并冲出自己的诉讼程序，并指责法官无权审理这些案件。
重申：他退出诉讼程序，理由是最高法院(Supreme Court)对他提起的案件中的法官没有必要的法律权力。没有耶稣(Jesus)回来，去法学院，与总统(President)和佛陀(Buddha)联合组成了正义尊贵的Lawyo-Tron (Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron)，(Short)很难想象他想象中谁会拥有权威。
他不仅指责法官不合格，而且精神失常，并开始胡说八道“杀了三千人”。对于我们这些自 9/11 以来一直在执法人员十米范围内的人来说，这通常被认为是一个坏主意。真是个坏主意。一位“美国法警(US Marshals)派往你家解释为什么在给法律官员的信中谈论实施大规模谋杀不是一个好主意，正如杰克(Jack)不久后发现的那样。
10. 永久取消资格
所有这一切都成功地提高了永久取消律师资格的风险，这是佛罗里达律师协会(Florida Bar)最终发布的“永远不要再让我们的家门口变黑”的裁决。在成年男子宣布他将以布鲁斯韦恩(Bruce Wayne)的名义追捕说唱歌手近两年后。当然，杰克(Jack)已经承诺要继续这场美好的斗争，鉴于他过去的行为，完全有可能在他们将他合法地和身体上的拘束于精神病院时，他仍然会提起诉讼，愤怒地潦草地写着用他的牙间夹着蜡笔的不准确的陈述。
10 Great Moments in Jack Thompson’s (Failed) Career
Јack Thompsоn disbarеd!
With Jack Thompson’s recent permanent disbarment, the legal system has lost its greatest champion since Judge Juggles The Clown drowned in a courtroom filled with custard. While his newly non-professional status frees him up for a shot at the 2009 Dumbass Olympics, we commemorate his career’s passing by looking back at ten great Thompson moments.
1. Battling Janet Reno
Long before taking on Take-Two and Rockstar, John Bruce “Jack” Thompson had his sights set on becoming state prosecutor in Dade county. His opponent was then-state attorney Janet Reno, and in a contest to determine who was best suited to prove the guilt of those accused of murder, rape, and kidnapping he opted for the strategy of “calling her a lesbian”.
No, sorry, “calling her a lesbian in the fashion of a nine-year-old boy in homeroom”, as he passed her a note asking her to check a box to indicate that she was heterosexual/bisexual/homosexual. We assume he then giggled and blew spitballs at whatever the equivalent of a teacher is at a campaign event. She placed a hand on his shoulder and explained that she was only attracted to virile men, which is why she wasn’t attracted to him.
In the words of the videogames, he hates so much, PWN3D. His response? To file a police report claiming her very touch on his person constituted battery, or in other words, demanding those police officers were needed to defend him from the Death Grip of a fifty-year-old woman. Janet Reno went on to supervise the convictions of the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and the World Trade Center bombers. Jack went on to pick and lose fights against people who provide home entertainment.
2. Batman of Rap
In 1990 Jacky, as we will now refer to him as “Jack” is entirely too manly a name for one who fears the Kung Fu of a woman over half a century old, decided that Rap was his new enemy. In his campaign against 2Live Crew’s “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” he claimed that he was Bruce Wayne, a Batman to fight the evils of Rap Music. Not just in words: he wore a Bat-watch and mailed people copies of his driver’s license with pictures of Batman edited in. Hands up if that sounds like the act of a well-adjusted legal professional (there will be no hands up, as anybody who tries to raise one will find it inconveniently “restrained” by some kind of “jacket”).
Note that this was in 1990, the year a Florida psychiatric evaluation certified him as sane. Indicating that Florida has needed to seriously re-evaluate its mental health standards for nearly 20 years, as anyone who’s been there will agree. Unfortunately, he never emulated Batman to the point of leaping through a plate glass skylight into a warehouse full of rappers because, honestly, the results from that would have been really funny.
3. Heath High School Case
In 1997 Jackqueline filed suit against the makers of Doom, MechWarrior, several other games, most of Hollywood and the parts of the Internet with porn on them. He claimed $33 million in damages on behalf the more opportunistic families of victims, and despite the fact that the sheer number of “defendants” meant they could pay twenty cents each and probably meet the bill, the case was dismissed for even presenting a legally recognizable claim. The closest the legal profession can actually get to going “Say What?” with a disgusted expression on its face.
His argument was that Doom was an extremely accurate military-style murder simulator, meaning either he hasn’t actually seen Doom or the US Army is seriously under-reporting the number of demon-infested martian bases currently listed as combat zones.
4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU
Jacki leaped back into the spotlight and single-handedly invented the classy concept of “massacre chasing”, weighing in on the Virginia Tech shootings with all the tact and respect of a randy rhinoceros in a petting zoo. And about the same level of coherence. His tirades were slightly less accurate than a blind pygmy with a crystal ball and much less entertaining. By the Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha was being introduced as a “Campus Shooting Expert” – the fact that neither he nor Fox saw any problem with that says more about them than we could.
5. The Penny Arcade Donation
Jackette offered ten thousand dollars to the charity of choice of anyone who made a game representing the murder of Take-Two boss Paul Eibeler. When he was taken up on the offer he cunningly revealed that the entire “offering to give money to charity” thing was satire. A revolutionary new form of satire, not the definition of satire shared by dictionaries, or the rest of the English speaking world, but instead defined by Jackisha as “dangling money in front of people in need and whipping it away at the last moment. Also, lying and chickening out of things in an incredibly public manner.”
The makers of gaming webcomic Penny Arcade donated the money on his behalf to the Child’s Play charity for sick children. There are many ways to interpret people spending five figures to make up for your bad debt: shame, guilt, withdrawal from public life to atone in a remote monastery. Jack opted to call the police. On the grounds that two men donated their own money to charity. Also, the case had about as much chance of success as a souffle-based armor-piercing bullet, showing Jack’s keen legal acumen and the way he certainly doesn’t use the due process of a free country as a club to threaten people with.
6. Chickens out of the fake debate
Thompson kept up his “Being a lying coward in public” streak in 2008 by challenging, nay, daring the Simula-Samuel L Jackson of Newsgroper to a debate. When he was taken up on the offer, well, guess what happened.
We can understand running from a flight from the real Samuel L Jackson. That’s the only sensible option – at the last count he’s a renegade FBI SHIELD agent Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer who plays by his own rules, and on top of all that, he’s Samuel Goddamn Jackson. But a fake Jackson? Here’s a hint, Jacki, because it’s become clear you don’t understand this technology stuff: the people pretending to be tough online are pretty much the opposite. Somebody pretending to be Sam L is likeliest the whitest, palest inoffensive non-mofo you’ll find outside the albino ward of an osteoporosis hospital.
7. NIMF tells him to get lost
The warning sirens on the Crazy-ometer were really blaring when even the National Institute on Media and the Family announced that it wasn’t him, it was them, and if he could go and scream and fling shit like a lunatic somewhere else, that would be just super. NIMF, the people who invented the idiotic non-word “killographic” and have accused video games of promoting not just murder but outright cannibalism, looked at Jack Thompson and said “Damn, but that guy is crazy”.
8. Florida bar: Put up or shut up. In fact, put up AND shut up
2008 was the year that the Florida Bar finally had enough of Jack making a mockery out of their entire livelihood – only eighteen years after the first time they accused him of being insane, so you can see the lightning speed of justice in the Sunshine State. He was ordered to attend a disbarment trial which could ban him from the legal profession for five years. To add “We can file extra lawsuits too” insult to the career-injury, they filed a show cause order stating that he would have to legally prove that he hasn’t been using the legal system as his own personal soapbox and Threatening-Stick. Which at this point would be pretty tricky.
They also ruled that any further legal proceedings filed by Jack must be cosigned by another member of the Florida Bar, or put another way, they are literally saying “You are not allowed to play with our legal system unless supervised by a responsible adult.” He reacted to being told that he was now legally viewed as a minor by immediately filing an appeal. Without a signature.
9. Walks out of his own hearing
Of course, Jack wouldn’t settle for disbarment. With his behavior he managed to get the case elevated to “enhanced disbarment”, forbidding him from practicing law for a full decade, and stormed out of his own proceedings and accusing the judge of not having the authority to hear them.
To restate: he walked out of proceedings on the grounds that the judge in a case brought against him by the Supreme Court did not have the necessary legal authority. Short of Jesus returning, going to law school, and combining with the President and Buddha to form The Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron, it’s hard to imagine who he imagines would have the authority.
He not only accused the judge of being unqualified but also of being mentally unbalanced and started throwing around phrases like “killing three thousand people”. For those of us who’ve been within ten meters of a law enforcement official since 9/11, that’s generally regarded as a bad idea. A really bad idea. A “US Marshals dispatched to your home to explain why talking about committing mass murder in letters to legal officials is not a great idea, as Jack found out shortly afterward.
10. Permanently Disbarred
All this managed to raise the stakes to permanent disbarment, a “never darken our doorstep again” ruling which the Florida Bar finally issued. Nearly two decades after grown man stated he was going to hunt down rappers under the guise of Bruce Wayne. Of course, Jack has pledged to continue the good fight, and given his past behavior, it’s entirely possible that he’ll still be filing suit by the time they’ve got him both legally and physically restrained in a mental hospital, scrawling outraged and inaccurate statements with a crayon held between his teeth.
